Happy Birthday
I want to address the fact that this weekend will be my 25th birthday. I’ve been over analyzing it and trying to come to grips with the fact that I’ve been on Earth for a quarter of a century. But the life I live feels like an extended adolescence, and life is nothing like I thought it would be at 25. I feel slightly relieved, but I also feel like somewhat of a failure. I thought that I would have a stable, steady career; I thought that I would be married, possibly discussing the idea of children. Instead, I’m finally deciding to go back to school to get certified for education while substitute teaching. I’m barely able to comprehend that I’m in a relationship, let alone think about the m-word or miniature humans. Even though I’m not necessarily ready for these big life changes, I thought that by 25, I’d at least feel like an adult.
Perhaps the economy’s forced extended adolescence has my growth as a person stunted. It’s not that I don’t want to live on my own, to be able to have my own dinner parties or to own my own living room furniture. I do want these things; I just can’t figure out how to get form point A to B quickly enough, and I’m disappointed that it’s taken me this long to get anywhere close to establishing myself. But even some of my friends who have taken adult steps like getting married or establishing careers seem to live in a vacuum where age is nonexistent.
I’m hoping that my birthday weekend gives me some clarity on this. I wish I could offer further laments, but I can’t find the words to express what I’m feeling. In a way, I guess I am older; Dan and I are going to a bed and breakfast on the Eastern Shore for the weekend. There’s been talk of bird watching. We want to relax rather than attend parties at my alma mater. We’d rather have glasses of wine or a craft brewed beer than all-you-can drink Beast Light. I just hope that this experience–an adult vacation–makes me feel more grown up or offers me some time to reflect and figure out how to get to a point where I feel like an adult. I’m sick of feeling trapped in limbo. I’d like 25 to mean something.