Tragedy is personal. Nine years ago, the nation faced September 11 and a week later that paled in comparison to a car accident at my high school. A year ago, my godfather was killed in a traffic accident; he left behind a wonderful, loving wife and two sons who have since become fathers without their father in their life. It is horrifying what these families have gone through. To anyone who has lost someone completely, who has had someone suddenly ripped from their life, my sadness may seem selfish. I make no apologies for my egocentricity. I acknowledge that each individual disaster is its own experience. All I can do is live in this moment. I am heartbroken. I am helpless.

So I continue to stalk Facebook for news and ask friends for prayers. I carry on spreading the word about this horrible accident, his condition, his prognosis to those who care to listen. I keep talking about him with a stiff lip and no tears because I am resolute in my strength. I wait for news; all sources report slightly different descriptions, but it’s all I have to go on at this time. I fear actually seeing the damage, because I know my strength will leave me and I will have to face the magnitude of what happened. In text it is just a story, a bad dream. The change has not yet been realized in this house, though the emptiness is starting to show itself.

Now that I know how quickly things can change, I try to stay optimistic, but I fear bad news. The helplessness mixes with hope, but nothing is finite. I must subsist on the love and prayers of friends and family and maintain my own good thoughts. I must remember that many people feel this tragic heartbreak, because many people love this man. My biggest hope is that he knows how much we all care.

Megan and Meredith are the closest I’ve ever had to sisters. We were in Girl Scouts together from Brownies through high school graduation, and in the seven years since high school graduation we’ve managed to stay friends. There were times when we didn’t get along and maybe even disliked each other, but now that we’re older, we appreciate the history we share. We can sit down for a meal and it seems like we never spent any time apart. Today, Meredith entertained us with stories of near-death experiences on her travels to Africa, and Megan provided much-needed updates on how she returned to this area to pursue her career.

Megan and Mer weren’t the only friends present. Dan, of course, was here; Kim, who I met through Dan and Keanan, stopped by after a wedding shower in Lebanon; and Megan’s wife, Kara, accompanied her. These represent a newer circle of relationships, an extension of friendships forged in the past. Friends introduce friends to their friends and friendships or relationships blossom. People connect. It’s fascinating to take a step back at the end of the day and reflect on the conversations of the day. So few people can make me laugh the way I laughed today. And I haven’t laughed like that in a long time.

The food was great, too. Parties have become much more classy since the days of jungle juice. Mer and I did manage to kill two bottles of white, drinking about 3/4 of a bottle each. She also brought stuffed mushrooms that went over quite well and Dan and I had picked up crackers, veggies, hummus and horseradish cheddar bacon spread at market that morning. The main course was grilled chicken, pasta salad and corn on the cob. We finished with some delicious pie. Food only managed to quiet us for a few moments, though. The central focus of the day was conversation and stories of the past and discussions of the present and future.

I know that I’m extraordinarily lucky to have such amazing friends in my life. I know that my family and Dan love me, but the love in my house today was different than the love that’s here at other times. Today, my home was filled with sisterhood (sorry, Dan, you’re an honorary sister). We share a history and common interests and a general concern for each other’s well being. We are a family, fashioned from scouting, built on social networks and brought together by benevolent forces. We are fortunate, and I will try to remember this when times are rough.

Motivation is the driving force behind learning. Without motivated students, our efforts as teachers are essentially fruitless. So before we can create a constructivist class or establish expected behaviors among our students, it’s important that we understand motivation and how to encourage it in our classrooms. Various factors influence motivation. Learners’ curiosity, goals and self-efficacy as well as their expectancies and attributions play a role in how much (or how little) motivation they bring to class. As we strive to activate prior knowledge in our teaching, we must be aware that past learning experiences affect how students decide to engage in learning. “What happens as a result of past learning determines to a large degree whether students will engage in new learning at some time in the future” (Driscoll, p. 323).

Some of the studies on motivation revealed findings that I believe to be common sense or methods many of us planned to employ in a desire to achieve a constructivist setting. For example, “To keep learners alert, instructors can employ such strategies as varying their tone of voice, using relevant humor occasionally, and interspersing demonstrations and group activities with lecture” (Driscoll, p. 313). No one really wants to sit and listen to Ben Stein (especially now that he’s the face of Comcast), and—for me, at least—humor is a go-to coping mechanism for any and all uncomfortable situations. What’s more, breaking up lecture with demonstrations and group activities provides us with the social learning experiences we strive to attain. Descriptions of inquiry arousal that involves “pos[ing] very complex and realistic problems for students to solve” reminded me of problem-based learning, a constructivist ideal (Driscoll, p. 314).

Driscoll states that “When individuals set goals, they determine an external standard to which they will internally evaluate their present level of performance” (p. 314). I always believed goal-setting to be important, but I never really thought about goals beyond the perspectives of “realistic” and “unrealistic.” As it turns out, there are several factors that can determine whether a goal is a help or a hindrance for the learner. Setting goals that are specific, challenging enough to encourage persistence and proximal can encourage learners to keep focused on the task at hand (Driscoll, pp. 314-315). Proximal goals refer to goals that are achievable within a shorter range of time, whereas distal goals look more to the future. Setting and achieving proximal goals essentially fills a motivational bank. I have been doing this toward the end of the semester by creating a weekly to-do list. Each time I cross off a task (in Sharpie), I feel satisfaction and believe that I can finish all of the work that is due at the end of the semester before I leave for the beach on May 4. Students can benefit from a distal goal for a class or for high school, but should set multiple proximal goals throughout the course so that they can gain a sense of achievement.

Furthermore, the orientation of the goal is also important when considering how the goal will affect the student’s learning. “Performance goals foster the implicit belief that intelligence is fixed…learning goals are associated with a belief that intelligence is malleable and can be developed” (Driscoll, p. 315). Thus, if a student wishes to achieve an “A” grade and does not meet this goal, there is more room for discouragement because failure would mean a lack of intelligence. However, if a student sets a goal to discover and understand how foreshadowing is used in Romeo and Juliet, the goal is met through the student’s own time and effort and measured by whether the student attains that knowledge.

While setting goals can provide students with task-based motivation and increased self-efficacy, it is not the only way to encourage motivation in the classroom. The ARCS model refers to Keller’s “four conditions for motivation that must be met to have a motivated learner” and stands for attention, relevance, confidence and satisfaction (Driscoll, p. 333). ARCS should be viewed as a sequential process. Possibly the most difficult aspects are gaining (and sustaining) the attention of learners and establishing relevance. Again, piquing curiosity is a recommendation for gaining attention, but after that, how does one maintain it? Instances of problem-based learning stimulate an “attitude of inquiry” and variation within instruction to break up any monotony help to sustain attention (Driscoll, pp. 334-335).

Relevance is also a key to supporting the attention of students. One thing I’ve seen while substituting is that students love to ask, “What’s the point of [insert subject here]?” or “Where am I going to use this in real life?” In addition to making learning relevant to achieving goals, teachers can structure activities that work with needs for achievement and affiliation. Examples listed in Driscoll for ways teachers can motivate by employing learners’ existing motives and values include “providing leadership opportunities, occasions for self-study or working in cooperative groups, or allowing friendly competition on individual or group projects” (p. 336). If students are involved in the learning, it becomes relevant to them. Even in instances of work that is viewed as boring, like vocabulary packets, a friendly game of definition jeopardy encourages students to know their words so their team can win the game. Furthermore, “providing concrete examples and analogies” that relate to students’ lives will also assist in creating a sense of relevance for learning (Driscoll, p. 336). While subbing a class that was in the midst of preparing for the lovely PSSA writing test, I tried to explain that being able to effectively write a persuasive piece would help them in making valid arguments in other areas of life. As I was passing out example essays and sample rubrics, I cited the example of wanting to go to a concert. If they just told their parents they wanted to go to see a band, their parents would probably say no; however, if they presented a valid argument and cited several reasons they should be allowed to attend the concert, their parents might hear them out. While it’s difficult to make high-stakes testing practice relevant, at least I tried.

The remaining components of ARCS, confidence and satisfaction, tie back to the ideas of goal-setting and self-efficacy. Through increased belief in abilities (something built upon by the completion of tasks or accomplishment of goals), students become more confident in learning and more likely to engage. Learning satisfaction, according to John M. Keller, comes from three sources. Natural consequences can be illustrated by a chance to utilize newly attained skills. Positive consequences, which “can be especially useful…when learning tasks are inherently boring or their relevance is not perceived by the learner” can create satisfaction when there is little chance of creating a relevant link between the student and learning (Driscoll, pp. 325, 336). Finally, the idea of equity involves maintaining consistent standards and expectations, which should be established before the learning task. One way to create these standards is through that initial idea of setting attainable goals that are challenging and proximal. Overall, natural consequences will likely provide the greatest satisfaction for students and follow the constructivist mindset that many of us have embraced.

Different classes might require a teacher to look at motivation in different ways. Some students might come to class with high self-efficacy and easily understand the relevance of the material being covered. Other classes may need more reassurance and greater assistance in setting proximal learning goals. When we consider our students, we should keep the ARCS model in mind. How will we gain their attention, produce relevance, promote confidence and create satisfaction? In what ways did their prior learning experiences shape self-efficacy and their ability to self-regulate? While it seems like a bit of extra work to motivate students, we must realize that without the motivation to learn, our teaching efforts will fall on a few sets of deaf ears. If we are truly passionate about our content—and what our content area has given us—it will be no problem to engage our students and show them the relevance, help them create goals and provide a satisfying learning experience.

Other times, it feels like my life is rushed and filled to the point of bursting. I feel like I’m barely clinging on to my sanity. I see people living happy, carefree lives and I envy them.

Perhaps the real situation is that everyone is somewhere between these two places. No one is completely carefree. We all have bills and deadlines to meet. Marriage, children, jobs, houses–they just compound the stress of life itself. In some ways I’m lucky that I do not have those things to worry about. My employment situation is glorified hobo and the white picket fence is a long way off. I won’t have to worry about a mortgage or diapers or contracts for a couple of years. Still, I have to keep telling myself that I’m working toward something or the day to day breathing becomes too much.

My dear friend and “little brother” wrote on my Facebook today that I have to be passionate about teaching. I think I am, but am I passionate enough? I really look forward to working with a classroom of my own, but I’m nervous. I’m more nervous about completing the process and jumping through the hoops of student teaching and Praxis testing, but it’s still just another stressful element in this path I have chosen for myself. And I’m always questioning if it’s the right path. I’ve had a good break from subbing due to PSSA testing and conflicting schedules, and I can honestly say that I don’t miss it all that much. I’ve already entered the mindset for my summer job, which might just be a necessary coping mechanism.

I wonder if I’ve missed my calling. I wonder if this is what I’m supposed to do. Friends–well, more likely friends of friends–would turn to religion here and pray for answers or something. I could consult my tarot cards. I could put my faith in what my friends tell me. I could believe in myself for once.

I’ve kind of hit a wall. I guess that’s what April is, and possibly always has been, for me. I think I was usually fairly frustrated by this time of year in undergrad, and most certainly in 2008 and 2009, I was slowly going crazy by this time of year. I want to be passionate about my classes, about subbing, about life–but right now I just keep asking myself two questions:

Is this real life? and

Can we go to the beach yet?

I need this.

]]> http://silverfire.net/life-in-cepa/is-this-real-life/feed 0 http://silverfire.net/life-in-cepa/im-not-dead-yet http://silverfire.net/life-in-cepa/im-not-dead-yet#comments Sat, 10 Apr 2010 16:19:15 +0000 Lindsay http://silverfire.net/?p=398 I’ve been MIA for awhile now, and I really wish that wasn’t the case. I have several half-posts, which are half-written ramblings about the various goings on in my life. Some day, maybe, I will finish them and post them back dated to where they belong. Trips to WAC, trips to the beach, concerts, etc.–all waiting to be moved from my head to my WordPress.

Life has just been so busy lately that I feel guilty working on this stuff. I have a bunch of projects due for school and I’ve been working here and there. I’ve also been on the go doing regular life stuff, too. So I promise, I will be back in full swing, hopefully by May.

So much has changed about the liberal arts college where I spent some of the best times of my life. Massive construction projects that were just beginning as I graduated are now complete. There’s a new theatre (where the lecture took place, actually), new dorms that look like luxury hotels on the inside, and a new dining hall that reminded my friend Sara of an Atlantic City buffet. Oh, and Kent Circle, with its 7 or 8 coveted parking spaces, exists no more (this will only matter to readers who lived in the Hill dorms, the Cullen dorms or Kent). While I’m somewhat jealous of the students who get to have a much more comfortable campus experience, I’m also glad that I got to live in a converted office building (Gibson), an ancient building filled with creative arts majors (Middle—a dorm they will never get rid of because of its historical significance, but will never be the same as it was in 2004 when the best people ever lived there), and a slightly dumpy dorm with centipede issues improved only by the showerheads my best friend’s father donated (Worcester). The students who reside in Sassafras may never know what it’s like to sleep in several layers of clothing because northwest winds defeat the purpose of walls when radiators break (Worcester), but they also won’t have a gritty college experience to create anecdotes for nostalgic diatribes in blog entries. Yes, being back on campus at this point in my life has caused me to wax poetic about my time there, but I will try to pull myself back on track.

This was my first visit back to campus since starting graduate school (aka deciding to make something of myself), so perhaps the reason I enjoyed it so much is that I no longer feel like my degree is a complete waste. The company didn’t hurt, either. My darling friend Alisha (the one with the Dad who gave us water pressure in Worcester) is in her final semester, and she played hostess to Dan, me and several others. Sara, the founder of The Medium lit mag and someone I’ve worked with on multiple projects, came down with Rielly who I remember being involved with pubs too even though we didn’t hang out. Alisha’s good friend and fellow senior Maureen was present, and her brother Rob who worked with me on a group project in advertising and went to high school with Dan, showed up part way through the reading. Could you keep track of all that? Everyone shared more ties than those, as WAC is a tangled web, but those are the ties to me, the antisocial babbler. Standing in Alisha’s kitchen was probably the most social I’ve been in months, and I guess the difference for me is that on campus, even the most random social situations (usually) aren’t awkward. It was nice to swap stories and anecdotes, and it was good to show Dan more of what made me me.

We witnessed the lecture itself from the balcony of the new theatre. Rather than dealing with the crowds, we chose to sit somewhere that we could see, hear and pass a communal thermos of fruit juice and alcohol. Daniel Handler was dry and watching my Dan (who refused the thermos, by the way) watch him was part of my enjoyment. Handler opened with an anecdote about his research into the Eastern Shore, which he accomplished primarily through reading the Kent County News.  He mentioned an article about a chicken house fire in which thousands of chickens lost their lives that was currently under investigation and a story about the heat-sensing abilities of snakes. From these articles, he deduced that the Eastern Shore clearly had a problem with arsonist snakes. Cue laughter. There were some uncomfortable moments—the kind where a speaker makes jokes about Judaism/Anne Frank, and you don’t know enough background to guess if it’s okay to laugh (it turns out it was because he was raised Jewish. Does this mean I can make Lutheran jokes?). Handler also talked about the name Lemony Snicket, and how he came to write books for children. For him, it started in childhood, with a serious dislike of books where everything magically worked itself out for the protagonist. He wasn’t a fan. Life is harder than that, though you may never have Count Olaf trying to get you.

Returning to Washington College, if only for an evening, proved to be a worthwhile adventure. Though I miss undergrad terribly, returning to campus creates a sense of pride rather than a sense of longing or regret. I miss the carefree lifestyle I led there, where my biggest worry was the next paper due or an upcoming test. Now I see WAC as a place that taught me how to learn. Through my liberal arts education, I grew to love research and writing. I would not be who I am today if I had not attended that Sophie Kerr weekend in 2003; my decision to attend Washington College is single-handedly the best decision I’ve made so far in my life. I have a second family made up of wonderful friends, an inquisitive mind fostered by my education, and the ability to return to a place where an author who writes books where children narrowly escape death gives a lecture that makes me realize there is nothing wrong with life being a bit difficult. It’s life, and WAC has given me a positive outlook on it.

I will admit that I haven’t really given Ke$ha’s Animal a fair listen. I’ve been known to pause for her songs on the radio, or request her singles when Dan’s DJing car rides with his iPod. They’re fun, poppy dance tunes–or are they?

My Brownie troop is made up of seven- and eight-year-old girls. I’d say a handful of them have fairly involved parents who actively monitor what’s going on in their daughters’ lives and the rest have parents who are trying their best but virtually clueless. One of the girls was singing “TiK ToK” at our meeting this past week, confusing some of the girls who don’t know what a Ke$ha is. Two tables of girls were arguing back and forth as to whether it’s “key-sha” or “keh-sha.” I was already at my wit’s end because they were sewing bean bags to earn a Try-It.

I bought myself a huge Shamrock Shake as a reward for surviving that night, but since then I’ve also been fuming over the very fact that I had to stop an eight-year-old from yelling/singing about brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack.

While I realize that such a conservative stance goes against my very nature and all I’ve aspired to be myself, I can’t help but be upset by Ke$ha’s lyrical content. In a time where we’re trying to push girls to respect themselves, songs like Ke$ha’s undermine efforts to promote healthy decisions and self-respect–even if her lyrics are meant to mock or be sarcastic.

In an interview with Digital Spy, Ke$ha states says about her latest single, “Blah Blah Blah”:

“It’s a cool song about a woman talking to a man the way men always speak to women. If you listen to any rap or pop station, the way men talk to women is just so cheeky and a little bit degrading. I’m not offended by it though – I just think it’s funny. This track is meant sarcastically. It’s me throwing it back.”

However, when trying to explain to my Mom why I was so upset about the Girl Scouts incident, I found myself unable to read the lyrics aloud to her. Now, considering I regularly use profanity around my mother AND discuss my personal life with her, I would say I’m not a complete puritan. And I’m really not sure if my inability to read “Just turn around, boy, let me hit that / Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat / Just show me where your dick’s at” to my Mom would truly classify me as a prude. Maybe it does.

My friend and fellow blogger AJ Star, of Stalking with the Stars, recently posted “On Radio Edits” after watching Ke$ha’s American Idol performance where the lines that gave me so much trouble were changed to “Just turn around, boy, let me get that / Don’t be a little chick with your chit chat / Just show me who you are.” AJ’s premise is not about how the integrity of songs is compromised by “radio-friendly editing/censorship” but rather that it’s pointless to choose songs “as singles and then butched for radio play and live performances.” I agree with her point even though my blog comments contained a condensed and angsty version of my Girl Scout rant (i.e., I missed her point on there because I was still really pissed off). If Ke$ha truly wants “Blah Blah Blah” to “throw it back” to men who objectify women in their music, why choose a single–or, dare I say, pen a song–where the lyrics will have to be altered so much for mainstream play that it will completely undermine her point? After all, how is “don’t be a little chick” conveying a feminist message at all? He’s whining, so he’s a girl? What happened to Ke$ha’s girl power?

It’s not fair to pin extra responsibility on female artists, but such is the plight of women in general. Yes, it sucks that men constantly objectify women in pop/hip-hop songs. But how is writing a song mocking that an effective way to take a stance against such objectification?

Maybe it’s the responsibility of the parents to keep their eight-year-olds from singing about excessive partying, Jack Daniels and boys trying to touch their junk, but a pop artist makes a song with the intention of it reaching #1 on the charts and gaining huge exposure through mainstream radio play, so isn’t it partially up to them to have some couth? Some subtlety? Some understanding that their song has the potential to make an impression on young minds?

Then again, maybe it’s me. Perhaps I’m just getting old; maybe I’m turning into a prude. I managed to harness the girls’ energy into a rousing round of “Make New Friends” and then had them sing songs they learned in their elementary school music classes. Still, knowing some of them–and their parents–makes me worry about what they’re learning from mainstream popular culture that inundates their little lives. And I truly wish their parents would tell Ke$ha to get off their lawns, as I would be apt to do if she ever showed up at my house with a bottle of Jack.