small.town.girl

Life can change so quickly. Just a matter of seconds can change the course of years, and mere minutes can determine life or death. One doesn’t usually consider how fragile life is on a daily basis when going about work that seems both tedious and straightforward. In this case, climbing a ladder on an ordinary day to do a task that wasn’t quite part of the job description but nonetheless a responsibility borne by an overburdened plant manager almost cost a life. And now those of us who love this man sit reeling in the aftermath.

Tragedy is personal. Nine years ago, the nation faced September 11 and a week later that paled in comparison to a car accident at my high school. A year ago, my godfather was killed in a traffic accident; he left behind a wonderful, loving wife and two sons who have since become fathers without their father in their life. It is horrifying what these families have gone through. To anyone who has lost someone completely, who has had someone suddenly ripped from their life, my sadness may seem selfish. I make no apologies for my egocentricity. I acknowledge that each individual disaster is its own experience. All I can do is live in this moment. I am heartbroken. I am helpless.

So I continue to stalk Facebook for news and ask friends for prayers. I carry on spreading the word about this horrible accident, his condition, his prognosis to those who care to listen. I keep talking about him with a stiff lip and no tears because I am resolute in my strength. I wait for news; all sources report slightly different descriptions, but it’s all I have to go on at this time. I fear actually seeing the damage, because I know my strength will leave me and I will have to face the magnitude of what happened. In text it is just a story, a bad dream. The change has not yet been realized in this house, though the emptiness is starting to show itself.

Now that I know how quickly things can change, I try to stay optimistic, but I fear bad news. The helplessness mixes with hope, but nothing is finite. I must subsist on the love and prayers of friends and family and maintain my own good thoughts. I must remember that many people feel this tragic heartbreak, because many people love this man. My biggest hope is that he knows how much we all care.

Sometimes I feel like my world is standing still while my friends’ worlds are whizzing by at record paces. People around me are getting married, getting jobs, having kids, moving to foreign countries–they’re having life experiences and I’m… not.

Other times, it feels like my life is rushed and filled to the point of bursting. I feel like I’m barely clinging on to my sanity. I see people living happy, carefree lives and I envy them.

Perhaps the real situation is that everyone is somewhere between these two places. No one is completely carefree. We all have bills and deadlines to meet. Marriage, children, jobs, houses–they just compound the stress of life itself. In some ways I’m lucky that I do not have those things to worry about. My employment situation is glorified hobo and the white picket fence is a long way off. I won’t have to worry about a mortgage or diapers or contracts for a couple of years. Still, I have to keep telling myself that I’m working toward something or the day to day breathing becomes too much.

My dear friend and “little brother” wrote on my Facebook today that I have to be passionate about teaching. I think I am, but am I passionate enough? I really look forward to working with a classroom of my own, but I’m nervous. I’m more nervous about completing the process and jumping through the hoops of student teaching and Praxis testing, but it’s still just another stressful element in this path I have chosen for myself. And I’m always questioning if it’s the right path. I’ve had a good break from subbing due to PSSA testing and conflicting schedules, and I can honestly say that I don’t miss it all that much. I’ve already entered the mindset for my summer job, which might just be a necessary coping mechanism.

I wonder if I’ve missed my calling. I wonder if this is what I’m supposed to do. Friends–well, more likely friends of friends–would turn to religion here and pray for answers or something. I could consult my tarot cards. I could put my faith in what my friends tell me. I could believe in myself for once.

I’ve kind of hit a wall. I guess that’s what April is, and possibly always has been, for me. I think I was usually fairly frustrated by this time of year in undergrad, and most certainly in 2008 and 2009, I was slowly going crazy by this time of year. I want to be passionate about my classes, about subbing, about life–but right now I just keep asking myself two questions:

Is this real life? and

Can we go to the beach yet?

I need this.

I will admit that I haven’t really given Ke$ha’s Animal a fair listen. I’ve been known to pause for her songs on the radio, or request her singles when Dan’s DJing car rides with his iPod. They’re fun, poppy dance tunes–or are they?

My Brownie troop is made up of seven- and eight-year-old girls. I’d say a handful of them have fairly involved parents who actively monitor what’s going on in their daughters’ lives and the rest have parents who are trying their best but virtually clueless. One of the girls was singing “TiK ToK” at our meeting this past week, confusing some of the girls who don’t know what a Ke$ha is. Two tables of girls were arguing back and forth as to whether it’s “key-sha” or “keh-sha.” I was already at my wit’s end because they were sewing bean bags to earn a Try-It.

I bought myself a huge Shamrock Shake as a reward for surviving that night, but since then I’ve also been fuming over the very fact that I had to stop an eight-year-old from yelling/singing about brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack.

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What is in the water? Everyone I know is married or getting married. Some people I’ve known since childhood are already divorced. There are babies everywhere. Why? And when I ponder these questions, why am I always lead to the “Is this real life?” spiral of career-related questions? Why does the happiness of others make me want to throw things?

I’m not going to lie; sometimes, seeing all these happy couples pushing strollers and planning parties makes me feel like a failure. A ton of my boyfriend’s friends are getting hitched within the next 18 months, and half my high school acquaintances have different last names on Facebook these days. I always thought that I would be like my Mom; she was married in her early 20s and had me when she was 26. Well, I turn 26 this year, and I have no plans to have a baby any time soon. I also thought I’d have a career and–at the very least–an apartment by now.

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While I have been taking baby steps with most of my new year’s resolutions, there is one goal with which I’ve made huge strides. I’m steadily making my way through the Harry Potter series. A week after starting the first book, I’m over halfway done with the third book. I’m amazed at how quickly I flip through the pages, and how when I’m not reading them, I think about when I might get a chance to read again. The series has really grabbed me. I now understand how and why these books energized so many folks to read, even if they were not “readers.”

What’s lucky for me is that I never tainted my opinions of the series; in addition to avoiding the books, I’ve never seen any of the movies. I have kept myself fairly isolated from all things Potter, which means that I can still make my own mental images of the characters and I have no idea how the plot will twist and turn. I find myself making predictions, but I do not voice these to my friends because most of them are familiar with the books. I’m having a lot of fun being immersed in this world, and even though I thought the books would be childish and silly, I find myself admiring the prose and the language employed to convey stories that are not boring in the least. In fact, in Chamber of Secrets, Rowling used the word “tenterhooks,” which made me really, really happy. Perhaps I’ve been living in this county for too long if proper usage of words makes me giddy.

I think that after I finish the third book, I may take a brief break. Perhaps I will read something else, or dedicate myself solidly to working ahead on my classwork. Regardless, I think that three books in a little over a week will be a sufficient start to meeting this 2010 goal. Dan also pointed out that if I read all seven books in less than a month, I may start thinking that I am Harry Potter.

He’s totally wrong, though. I’d be Hermione. Duh.

The Year in Review

In January, at my first InnerPartySystem concert

For me, 2009 was a transitional year. In 2008, I was treading water, working nearly the entire year at a job I grew to hate and searching for the motivation to aspire to something greater. In 2009, I worked through numerous obstacles to find a foundation for successful living. Part of my ability to have a good year was courtesy of resolutions I made last year. Honestly, I don’t remember them exactly because I recorded them in my now defunct BlackBerry, but they improved my diet until about mid-summer, when I gave up and started eating poorly again. Another key factor in how I lived in 2009 was the spontaneous departure from my job. If I hadn’t done that, there’s a slight chance I would still be living miserably, making barely enough to get by.

In December, at my sixth InnerPartySystem concert (with Patrick!)

It’s funny how things work. In January, I quit my job without any sort of back up plan. It was necessary, but scary at the same time. About a week later, I met Dan for the first time. The end of 2008 and beginning of 2009 were fueled mainly by Patrón, but by March and my “official” start of a relationship with Dan. I spent the beginning of the year unemployed and going insane, but able to work on myself through Wii Fit and hiking, so it wasn’t a total loss (but it was some weight loss!). I finally found myself working at a convenience store for some funds, which provided a crash course in how I do not want to spend the rest of my life. By June, I knew that I needed to take steps to get away from a survival job, so I took guest teacher training to obtain emergency substitute teaching certification for fall. My luck improved even more when I randomly saw a position in Hershey’s Central Reservations posted online in June and I switched to a cushier, more fulfilling “summer” job with higher pay and more hours.

Basically, as soon as that job ended, I was subbing. And that brings me to where I am now, staring at a calendar wondering how 2009 flew by and pondering possible resolutions.

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