small.town.girl

Life can change so quickly. Just a matter of seconds can change the course of years, and mere minutes can determine life or death. One doesn’t usually consider how fragile life is on a daily basis when going about work that seems both tedious and straightforward. In this case, climbing a ladder on an ordinary day to do a task that wasn’t quite part of the job description but nonetheless a responsibility borne by an overburdened plant manager almost cost a life. And now those of us who love this man sit reeling in the aftermath.

Tragedy is personal. Nine years ago, the nation faced September 11 and a week later that paled in comparison to a car accident at my high school. A year ago, my godfather was killed in a traffic accident; he left behind a wonderful, loving wife and two sons who have since become fathers without their father in their life. It is horrifying what these families have gone through. To anyone who has lost someone completely, who has had someone suddenly ripped from their life, my sadness may seem selfish. I make no apologies for my egocentricity. I acknowledge that each individual disaster is its own experience. All I can do is live in this moment. I am heartbroken. I am helpless.

So I continue to stalk Facebook for news and ask friends for prayers. I carry on spreading the word about this horrible accident, his condition, his prognosis to those who care to listen. I keep talking about him with a stiff lip and no tears because I am resolute in my strength. I wait for news; all sources report slightly different descriptions, but it’s all I have to go on at this time. I fear actually seeing the damage, because I know my strength will leave me and I will have to face the magnitude of what happened. In text it is just a story, a bad dream. The change has not yet been realized in this house, though the emptiness is starting to show itself.

Now that I know how quickly things can change, I try to stay optimistic, but I fear bad news. The helplessness mixes with hope, but nothing is finite. I must subsist on the love and prayers of friends and family and maintain my own good thoughts. I must remember that many people feel this tragic heartbreak, because many people love this man. My biggest hope is that he knows how much we all care.

Lately, I’m stressed out. I’m working at Hershey Central Reservations over the summer to earn some much needed money while taking three classes. I came home after eight straight days of working to my wonderful boyfriend with whom I shared a relaxing Friday with errands and an afternoon matinee of Get Him to the Greek. Today we had a dinner party for some of my old (and new) friends, and I was reminded of how lucky I truly am.

Megan and Meredith are the closest I’ve ever had to sisters. We were in Girl Scouts together from Brownies through high school graduation, and in the seven years since high school graduation we’ve managed to stay friends. There were times when we didn’t get along and maybe even disliked each other, but now that we’re older, we appreciate the history we share. We can sit down for a meal and it seems like we never spent any time apart. Today, Meredith entertained us with stories of near-death experiences on her travels to Africa, and Megan provided much-needed updates on how she returned to this area to pursue her career.

Megan and Mer weren’t the only friends present. Dan, of course, was here; Kim, who I met through Dan and Keanan, stopped by after a wedding shower in Lebanon; and Megan’s wife, Kara, accompanied her. These represent a newer circle of relationships, an extension of friendships forged in the past. Friends introduce friends to their friends and friendships or relationships blossom. People connect. It’s fascinating to take a step back at the end of the day and reflect on the conversations of the day. So few people can make me laugh the way I laughed today. And I haven’t laughed like that in a long time.

The food was great, too. Parties have become much more classy since the days of jungle juice. Mer and I did manage to kill two bottles of white, drinking about 3/4 of a bottle each. She also brought stuffed mushrooms that went over quite well and Dan and I had picked up crackers, veggies, hummus and horseradish cheddar bacon spread at market that morning. The main course was grilled chicken, pasta salad and corn on the cob. We finished with some delicious pie. Food only managed to quiet us for a few moments, though. The central focus of the day was conversation and stories of the past and discussions of the present and future.

I know that I’m extraordinarily lucky to have such amazing friends in my life. I know that my family and Dan love me, but the love in my house today was different than the love that’s here at other times. Today, my home was filled with sisterhood (sorry, Dan, you’re an honorary sister). We share a history and common interests and a general concern for each other’s well being. We are a family, fashioned from scouting, built on social networks and brought together by benevolent forces. We are fortunate, and I will try to remember this when times are rough.

Sometimes I feel like my world is standing still while my friends’ worlds are whizzing by at record paces. People around me are getting married, getting jobs, having kids, moving to foreign countries–they’re having life experiences and I’m… not.

Other times, it feels like my life is rushed and filled to the point of bursting. I feel like I’m barely clinging on to my sanity. I see people living happy, carefree lives and I envy them.

Perhaps the real situation is that everyone is somewhere between these two places. No one is completely carefree. We all have bills and deadlines to meet. Marriage, children, jobs, houses–they just compound the stress of life itself. In some ways I’m lucky that I do not have those things to worry about. My employment situation is glorified hobo and the white picket fence is a long way off. I won’t have to worry about a mortgage or diapers or contracts for a couple of years. Still, I have to keep telling myself that I’m working toward something or the day to day breathing becomes too much.

My dear friend and “little brother” wrote on my Facebook today that I have to be passionate about teaching. I think I am, but am I passionate enough? I really look forward to working with a classroom of my own, but I’m nervous. I’m more nervous about completing the process and jumping through the hoops of student teaching and Praxis testing, but it’s still just another stressful element in this path I have chosen for myself. And I’m always questioning if it’s the right path. I’ve had a good break from subbing due to PSSA testing and conflicting schedules, and I can honestly say that I don’t miss it all that much. I’ve already entered the mindset for my summer job, which might just be a necessary coping mechanism.

I wonder if I’ve missed my calling. I wonder if this is what I’m supposed to do. Friends–well, more likely friends of friends–would turn to religion here and pray for answers or something. I could consult my tarot cards. I could put my faith in what my friends tell me. I could believe in myself for once.

I’ve kind of hit a wall. I guess that’s what April is, and possibly always has been, for me. I think I was usually fairly frustrated by this time of year in undergrad, and most certainly in 2008 and 2009, I was slowly going crazy by this time of year. I want to be passionate about my classes, about subbing, about life–but right now I just keep asking myself two questions:

Is this real life? and

Can we go to the beach yet?

I need this.

I’ve been MIA for awhile now, and I really wish that wasn’t the case. I have several half-posts, which are half-written ramblings about the various goings on in my life. Some day, maybe, I will finish them and post them back dated to where they belong. Trips to WAC, trips to the beach, concerts, etc.–all waiting to be moved from my head to my WordPress.

Life has just been so busy lately that I feel guilty working on this stuff. I have a bunch of projects due for school and I’ve been working here and there. I’ve also been on the go doing regular life stuff, too. So I promise, I will be back in full swing, hopefully by May.

What is in the water? Everyone I know is married or getting married. Some people I’ve known since childhood are already divorced. There are babies everywhere. Why? And when I ponder these questions, why am I always lead to the “Is this real life?” spiral of career-related questions? Why does the happiness of others make me want to throw things?

I’m not going to lie; sometimes, seeing all these happy couples pushing strollers and planning parties makes me feel like a failure. A ton of my boyfriend’s friends are getting hitched within the next 18 months, and half my high school acquaintances have different last names on Facebook these days. I always thought that I would be like my Mom; she was married in her early 20s and had me when she was 26. Well, I turn 26 this year, and I have no plans to have a baby any time soon. I also thought I’d have a career and–at the very least–an apartment by now.

So what gives? Continue reading

While I have been taking baby steps with most of my new year’s resolutions, there is one goal with which I’ve made huge strides. I’m steadily making my way through the Harry Potter series. A week after starting the first book, I’m over halfway done with the third book. I’m amazed at how quickly I flip through the pages, and how when I’m not reading them, I think about when I might get a chance to read again. The series has really grabbed me. I now understand how and why these books energized so many folks to read, even if they were not “readers.”

What’s lucky for me is that I never tainted my opinions of the series; in addition to avoiding the books, I’ve never seen any of the movies. I have kept myself fairly isolated from all things Potter, which means that I can still make my own mental images of the characters and I have no idea how the plot will twist and turn. I find myself making predictions, but I do not voice these to my friends because most of them are familiar with the books. I’m having a lot of fun being immersed in this world, and even though I thought the books would be childish and silly, I find myself admiring the prose and the language employed to convey stories that are not boring in the least. In fact, in Chamber of Secrets, Rowling used the word “tenterhooks,” which made me really, really happy. Perhaps I’ve been living in this county for too long if proper usage of words makes me giddy.

I think that after I finish the third book, I may take a brief break. Perhaps I will read something else, or dedicate myself solidly to working ahead on my classwork. Regardless, I think that three books in a little over a week will be a sufficient start to meeting this 2010 goal. Dan also pointed out that if I read all seven books in less than a month, I may start thinking that I am Harry Potter.

He’s totally wrong, though. I’d be Hermione. Duh.

I am starting online graduate classes this week. I’m fairly excited about furthering my education, and in a way, I’m glad I’ve had a couple years of limbo to make me more motivated to do my best. The online format makes me a little bit nervous, but as I’m practically a character from The Matrix when it comes to my connectivity and love of the internet, I guess I can’t worry too much. The more I substitute teach, the more I long to someday have my own classroom. I look forward to observing teachers in my field (secondary English) and learning more about classroom management. I feel more confident that I’m making the right decision to pursue this career path, and it doesn’t hurt that I have some wonderful people rooting for me in my corner.

Additionally, I’m having some thoughts about attempting the city school again. They held an orientation for substitute teachers this week, and I attended because I didn’t have any subbing work. I feel like, in the present economy, more people are emergency certified to substitute and this increases the number of options for schools and decreases the number of calls for the sub. So I may have to start taking calls at the city school to stay afloat financially, as much as I don’t want to do it. They seemed genuinely grateful that anyone would show up to teach for their school district, and they acknowledged that they do indeed have some bad eggs. They also gave me what I wanted—a written manual outlining different procedures. While it isn’t quite a Bible of How to Act at the Urban School, it does have some helpful information. They also gave us some pointers that I would not necessarily have thought to employ in teaching (i.e., ignore the “bad” children), so maybe if I try to follow their ideas of how things work, I will have a more successful time of it.

Nothing compares to subbing at my favorite suburban schools, though. I did have a day at one this past week, and because it’s almost time for high school finals, the class was doing review packets. The fact that they remained quiet and legitimately did work per the teacher’s instructions enabled me to all but finish Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets in a single day. I sincerely hope that I can work with them more throughout the rest of this school year.

I may post some of my posts from my various classes on here as I move through my semester with SJU. The Psychology of Teaching course seems like it will be really thought-provoking, and we have to write weekly message board posts for it. My fingers are crossed that things continue to go well for me in the education sector.